There’s a queer standing right beside you. I’m holding my husband’s hand and at the same time wondering why the world hates the side of me that is attracted to women. I’ve been at the restaurant table and listened to you call “that dyke” so butch. I heard all of your hate-filled speech and regurgitated commentary and never said a word. I went home every time and cried because I’m lucky; my queerness is hidden underneath the sanctified wedding ring around my finger.
Queer is in the veins and as much as I am devoted to my husband, I’m still attracted to women. Loving a gender hasn’t been my goal; being loved by someone who will not see my darkness because they love my bright light has. Being bisexual isn’t even the most interesting thing about me. I heard that once and made a vow to make it true.
Don’t ask me to provide street cred. I know how beautiful and soft some women are. All human beings have this potential. That’s how I love, heart first. If you know me at all you’ve felt it.
I’ve spent most of my life in the closet. That’s no place to find happiness. The darkness there takes a piece of joy every time you breathe. I can only speak from my experience. I erased my bisexuality and at the same time opened a hole in my soul. You have to be yourself. You can’t live honestly with anything less.
The world is full of amazing human beings but sometimes it isn’t and that’s why I didn’t say bisexual out loud. I have always been an ally but the truth is I’m really the “B” in LGBTQ. People die from suicide every day and bisexuals have numbing statistics. How many human beings are lost because that closet door is locked so tight. I want to see and be seen, loved and not just tolerated. Imagine if you were just tolerated.
The last time I walked into a church I had no idea I was saying goodbye to religion. The preacher said that homosexuals should hate themselves. He didn’t see the “B” in my heart. He was certain there wasn’t a queer in the room. I have to believe that because the alternative is devastating. No leader should tell anyone they aren’t worthy to live. How can you vow to minister to all except for “them?” I am not a scholar but the message of love seems lost in all the rhetoric and dogma. Everything before this moment doesn’t matter. I understand that, as my life partner squeezes my hand and whispers, “It’s going to be okay.” I needed those words as tears streamed down my cheeks. It was time and I walked out without dipping my fingers in that holy water. According to the room full of people I was no longer welcome at the banquet.
So remember when you’re invited to my table, there’s a queer in the room. Remember you said you loved me and that I welcomed you to my home with trust. That door doesn’t open often. It’s protection from all the vitriol rhetoric that some leader of peace is programming his sheep to spread. Take a moment to love the human being who has always been there for you. I haven’t changed but if you’ve been listening, maybe you have.
You are welcome if you enter with love but you have to leave everything else out.
