Sheila Alexander-ReidWhen did you come out? Who did you come out to?
I came out in my early to mid-20s. I came out to my mother first. I took her to lunch and handed her a letter because I was too afraid to speak the words directly.
Why was it important for you to come out?
I had just broken up with my girlfriend and needed the comfort and support of my mother.
What advice would you give to someone thinking about coming out?
The most important thing to keep in mind is that coming out is an individual’s choice. People should come out when, and only when, they are comfortable, and when they feel it’s safe to do so. Yes, it’s empowering, and yes it helps to change hearts and minds, but it can also be costly, and at times, dangerous. Homophobia and discrimination are alive and well and, in many cases, thriving in 2016. So, while for some coming out can be a revolutionary act, unfortunately, it can also cost you your life.
Alex ArbuckleWhen did you come out? Who did you come out to?
The hardest person for me to come out to was myself. I spent years trying to deny and hide who I was. I thought that if I prayed hard enough or shut down the parts of myself that I didn’t want that they would simply go away. I made all sorts of bargains and compromises with myself to tell myself that I wasn’t gay. It was okay that I was physically attracted to women as long as I didn’t act on it. It was okay to act on my physical attraction to women as long as I didn’t have feelings for them. Feelings, you see, meant that it was real – it wasn’t something that just my body wanted, but it was heart-deep. And then one day, I fell in love with a woman. I still remember sitting in a room by myself and looking in the mirror and saying the words for the first time, “I’m gay.” That’s when I came out to myself. I told my friends and family over the next several months. It turns out, each time I said, “I’m gay,” it got a little easier. The thing that no one tells you when you first come out is that you’ll spend the rest of your life coming out. Today, when I say, “I’m gay,” I do so with pride.
Why was it important for you to come out?
It was important for me to come out because I believe that the bravest, strongest and sexiest thing a person can do is to live their life authentically. I come from a rural community where homophobia is commonplace and where being gay can sometimes be really scary. I was at a workshop several years ago with some folks who were describing ways to combat homophobia and I remember one of the speakers saying that one of the biggest issues for places like where I came from is that gay people leave. We leave our rural communities and small towns and go to bigger cities where we find others “like us”. This is amazing because we find community and chosen family, but when we leave our podunk towns, we take our voice out of the narrative. Being out and proud in places where it is hard to be out and proud is important because it changes the conversation, it makes us visible and humanizes us, and, most importantly, it lets other LGBTQ folks and those who are questioning know that they aren’t alone. Coming out to myself allowed me to change my life, coming out to others might help change someone else’s life.
What advice would you give to someone thinking about coming out?
Coming out was the best and hardest thing I’ve ever done. You are not alone. No matter how isolated you might feel, being honest and true to yourself can be terrifying and confusing, but on the other side is so much love. Take your time and do what feels right for you. Get to know yourself. Love yourself. You are worthy of love. And your love isn’t just okay – your love is beautiful.
When did you come out? Who did you come out to?
Coming out was a process for me. I had a long and unhealthy relationship with Christianity that told me being a lesbian meant eternal damnation of my soul. So, I lived in fear and tried my hardest to be a straight woman.
I started my coming out process when I was 28, slowly allowing myself to have queer friends, going to the occasional gay bar, watching the L Word and working through the anti-gay tapes in my head. For a long time I dated both men and women as a way to balance the process but I knew this wouldn’t be my truth for long. I often joked about labeling myself a “Lesbian identified practicing bisexual”. It was funny, but the truth under that was I was scared to be completely honest with myself.
Why was it important for you to come out?
I was married to a man and in an open relationship. Because of that I usually dated bisexual women. They were like me. They were safe, until I met a woman who would change my world forever. Imagine Jenny and Marina on The L Word. Jenny met Marina and her world turned upside down. Only my Marina was named Georgette. She was beautiful, brilliant, and not bisexual. She told me stories about the freedom to love only women that swept me away into my own fantasies of the same.
We dated for a short time and she lived in another city, but after one particular visit with her, I knew I was different. Sadly, we ended our romantic relationship because I was moving from Las Vegas to Atlanta. Like typical lesbians, we remained friends for a few years.
I moved to Atlanta because I felt drawn there both for business and pleasure. I was barely 30 and I knew a whole new world was waiting for me.
My ex-husband and I moved to Atlanta and after a huge fight, I ended our marriage. We had been there a month. I decided that I wasn’t happy anymore. He could feel it also and he knew that our time had come to an end. I gathered my belongings, told my teenage daughter to pack everything she could and we left. My daughter understood and knew that I would be happier living my truth. I’m lucky to have had her in my corner.
I knew at that moment I would never be in another straight relationship. I had to live my truth. I had to show my daughter that living ones truth was as important as breathing. Truth meant life. She got it. She knew I was happy finally admitting to myself what she had told me more than once–that I was a lesbian. Ironically it was her and my ex-husband’s encouragement that helped me embrace my truth.
What advice would you give to someone thinking about coming out?
If you are struggling with coming out, you just have to do it. You have to wake up one day and just decide to live your truth. When you make that decision, you will feel like you can take on the world.
There may be people who have opinions. So what? They will have opinions no matter what you do. Your life may change, but there is a huge community here to welcome you. You will learn to navigate through it and find the tribe that fits like a glove. You just have to take that first step.
But you will feel free, and you will be able to breathe. Truth means life. Come out.
Felicia GillisonWhen did you come out? Who did you come out to?
I came out in 2009 to my dad.
Why was it important for you to come out?
Things were getting serious between my then girlfriend (who is now my wife) and I didn’t want to hide anymore! My dad is extremely religious, so I needed to tell him specifically, and unfortunately he disowned me immediately.
What advice would you give to someone thinking about coming out?
NEVER HIDE WHO YOU ARE due to someone else’s thoughts, opinions, and religious views. Stay true to yourself, no matter what, even it means sacrificing the relationship of your own parents. If my dad loved me unconditionally, he wouldn’t have disowned me.
Ashley RyanWhen did you come out? Who did you come out to?
I came out as a transgender male on July 15. I announced it pretty much to everyone on Facebook.
Why was it important for you to come out?
Coming out as transgender man was very important because I wanted to really stay true to myself and stop hiding who I wanted to be.
What advice would you give to someone thinking about coming out?
To anyone who wants to come out, I would tell them to always stay true to yourself no matter who may or may not be in your corner.
Jade SalazarWhen did you come out? Who did you come out to?
I came out twice. At 22, I came out as bisexual and then basically went back in the closet after negative family reactions. I then came out again at 24, this time as a lesbian, and I never looked back.
I came out within my friend groups, coming out seemed organic. I called my oldest friend and my sister who both lived far away but all my other friends figured it out naturally. I pinpoint my actual coming out to when I told my mom. That was my “lump in the throat, everything is about to change” moment.
Why was it important for you to come out?
The first time it was because I had fallen for a girl and even though that didn’t work out, I knew it wasn’t just curiosity anymore. The second time, I had been dating a man, and while I convinced myself at the beginning, near the end of that relationship, my anxiety from trying to hold it all together got so bad I was near agoraphobic. I could barely drive and was having panic attacks and dreams about the end off the world. The second time was basically life or death for me.
What advice would you give to someone thinking about coming out?
It is your decision and don’t ever feel pressure to do so. Also, if it is physically unsafe for you to come out, it is okay to wait. But when and/or if you finally come out, it is one of the most freeing feelings you can ever feel and you will be so happy you did. Need support? There are so many groups to help. Need help starting the conversation? Read online material, ask friends, call support groups or ask a therapist to help you. You will be very happy you did.
If you are in the D.C. metropolitan area and you need resources and support, visit http://taggmagazine.com/resources/ for local groups and organizations that are waiting for you.
