Dana Goldberg Writes an Open Letter to 2016…And It’s Hilarious!

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Dana Goldberg Writes an Open Letter to 2016…And It’s Hilarious!

Comedian Dana Goldberg

Comedian Dana Goldberg

Today, well-known comedian Dana Goldberg took to Facebook to post her frustration and thoughts on 2016. Like many of us, Goldberg has a long list of issues with this year.

For those who don’t know Goldberg, she is a force to be reckoned with. Her quick wit and playful stage presence is spreading like wildfire! Voted one of the “Top Five Funniest Lesbians in America,” CURVE Magazine raves, “She’s smart, cute, and seriously funny!”

From Donald Trump to Rachel Maddow, Goldberg uses that same wit and humor to give 2016 a piece of her mind…and it’s worth the read.

 

Dear 2016,

I think it’s time we ended things. We’ve both seen this coming for a while, so please don’t act like this is out of left field. I’m going to try and do this in an adult fashion, but I’m not making any promises. It’s been a very difficult relationship on so many levels. I know this is pretty public, but most of our relationship happened on Facebook anyway so this shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. Actually, I can’t even be an adult about this… WHAT THE FUCK!? Usually I’m a little kinder, but seriously? I wanted to give you a chance, I did, but I can’t do this anymore. All the other years I’ve spent time with have had their challenges, but you are a sociopath. First off all, if I had ANY idea you were a fucking serial killer, I would have broken up with you a long time ago. What is wrong with you?! And you didn’t even take the really old people who may have had a good run. George Michael? Prince? David Bowie?! Carrie Fisher AND Debbie Reynolds??! Have you no heart?! Are you really that dead inside?

I don’t want to hear your excuses. Sure, we had some good times in Tahiti and Cancun. We had some great shows together, but so much went wrong in this relationship. Some of it too painful to even talk about. I really don’t know where to start, but I will say this; you have a little less than 2 days to get your things and get out. In the meantime, I took it upon myself to separate some of our belongings.

First and foremost, and this shouldn’t surprise you, I’m keeping Hillary Clinton. We’ve been enjoying our walks together in the woods since the election. It’s really the only place she can go where people can’t hear her scream. You can have the entire Trump clan (yes, I mean clan) and anyone associated with them including his boyfriend Putin. I don’t care if Tiffany IS being held hostage. You get her, too. Please take Mike Pence while you’re at it. I can’t deal with any more homophobic assholes passing legislation against the LGBT community to overcompensate for their glory hole days in their fraternities. Enough.

I’m going to go ahead and keep the entire cast of Hamilton. You can have Kanye West. Please make sure he gets the help he so desperately needs. You can have Stephen Baldwin; I’m taking Alec and Kate McKinnon. I’ll keep Rachel Maddow, obviously, and you can have Kellyanne Conway. Please also try and get her the help she needs, and by help… I mean an exorcism.

You can have Scott Baio and Antonio Sabato Jr. (don’t worry, I had to look him up, too). I’ll take Katie Ledecky and the entire Olympic women’s gymnastics team. You can have Ryan Lochte. Enjoy the conversations with him for the next 40 years. You may need to get an interpreter, and yes, I know you both speak English.

I’m going to keep the incredible people who planted close to 50 million trees in India in one day. I’ll also be keeping Prince Harry. He moved almost 300 elephants to safety. You can keep the two idiots who reportedly broke through a fence trying to catch a Pokémon and fell off a cliff in San Diego. I just don’t have time for that kind of stupidity in my next relationship.

I could go on and on, but I think it’s pretty clear why this isn’t working out. Listen, I’m going to head out of town for a couple of days and give you some time to get your things. I want you gone by the time I return on Jan 1st. Please don’t make a scene if you pass 2017 on your way out. I’m not even sure I’m ready for a new relationship. In fact I’ve heard 2017 might be sketchy as fuck. I just know I don’t want to see YOU anymore. No, I don’t want to be friends. And yes you SHOULD take that personally because lesbians want to be friends with everyone they have dated. I would tell you to take care of yourself, but I wouldn’t mean it. Just leave the key on your way out.

And p.s. If you so much as lift a finger to one of the perfect gray hairs on Betty White’s head, I’ll have you killed.

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