There’s an ableist misconception that people with mental and physical disabilities are not sexual, but that’s most often not the case. Conversely (and also dehumanizing) is the fetishization of disabled (and trans) people. Simply put, disabled queers desire love, acceptance, sex, and intimacy like nearly all other human beings. We are just as capable of passionate, kinky, queer sex, both with others and ourselves. When dealing with the ableists and fetishists, I’ve had luck with expressing my boundaries and worth upfront, and seeing dating apps as a sort of social experiment for filtering out the scum.
To embark upon pleasure with someone, disabled or not, should begin with consent and communication, which allows all parties to feel safe and that they can trust their partner(s)! For queer and disabled folx, this is arguably even more important because it may feel extra vulnerable to directly express needs, dos & don’ts, and expectations. In my experience, this is best done before you’re in the heat of the moment and having fun exploring with your loves. If it feels uncomfortable to explain face-to-face, you can try having the initial consent talk via text message, speckled in with some dirty talk to keep the wheels of pleasure rolling.
In my opinion, sex, if you or your partner is disabled, is inherently queer because it’s often a creative experience, where heteronormative sexual roles and positions wouldn’t make sense. For example, a disabled partner might need extra neck and other bodily support with pillows or props while giving head, 69’ing, f*cking, or getting f*cked. Sitting in a chair can also be supportive and aid in more upright pleasure. That’s one of the great things about sex and being queercrip — it’s intuitive to be innovative with positions.
In both solo play and romping with others, disability-friendly toys are great to have in one’s sexy toolkit. Dildos with suction-cup bases and butt plugs with handles are helpful if hand dexterity is an issue. Easy-to-hold vibrators are an excellent way to sneak in a little extra pulsing pleasure without getting fatigued and they come in so many different varieties that there’s bound to be one that works for an individual. One can get creative with the use of “nontraditional” body parts too. Instead of wearing a typical strap-on, a thigh strap-on can allow your partner to take a bouncy lap ride, without having to thrust your hips in a harness. It can also be used while lying down, and it can free up access to the wearer’s nether regions. While I haven’t personally tried it, I could see a sex swing also being a helpful companion.
Regardless of orientation, gender, or ability, a key contributor to intimacy you can trust is expressing expectations, listening, and ongoing, emphatic consent. From here, everyone can move forward from a powerful place of freely being able to enjoy their body, its capacity for pleasure, and exploring the imaginative possibilities of queercrip sex.