'Kiss Her I'm Famous' Season 2 Premiere
January 23, 2014
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January 24, 2014

Femme Problems 113: The Top 5 Lesbians to Avoid at the Bar

From the moment a girl walks up to me at the bar, I can almost always tell exactly what type she is. Perhaps it’s a gift I’ve acquired after spending over four years hosting and emceeing events at the longest operating lesbian bar in the country. Maybe it’s a sixth sense I’ve tapped into after spending many Friday and Saturday nights in gay bars across the country, and even the world. Regardless, it is my due diligence to share with you the top 5 women to avoid at the bar at all costs.


1. The Broke Butch

There you are, at the bar, ordering a jack and coke when a cute boi or stud approaches you. After realizing you have tons of mutual Facebook friends, she asks you out. You’re in femme heaven, until you get to the date and the check comes. I’ll be the first to admit that there’s always some awkward feeling that settles over the table at that moment, but I tend to operate under what should be an unspoken understanding: if you asked me out to dinner, you pay the bill. Still, I almost feel guilty if I don’t at least offer to split it, so I’ll offer, but if she takes me up on it, after dinner drinks are clearly out of the question.

More than once I’ve been asked out to the bar by a girl who didn’t so much as pay my cover or buy me one drink. Nothing annoys me more. At least be honest about your financial situation before telling me you “forgot to bring cash” to our cash-only bar. If you’re looking for an ATM, it’s right over there.


2. The Baby Dyke

Every gay bar across the country is full of them: young, inexperienced, drama-filled baby dykes that don’t know the first thing about good liquor, or let alone how to hold it down. These girls, while usually easy to bag, almost always come with more drama and insecurity than they’re worth.

I long ago learned not to make the mistake of dating one of these. Unfortunately, I have stood back and watched many of my friends learn this lesson the hard way. If you choose to date a baby dyke, don’t act so surprised when you walk outside and catch her making out with someone else on her cigarette break. Ladies, if you want to train someone in exchange for companionship, just get a puppy.


3. The Ex, the Ex’s Ex, or the Ex’s Ex’s Ex

The lesbian scene is incredibly incestuous, but it wasn’t until one fateful night at Phase that I truly realized just how bad things have really become. After writing my name on the pool table waiting list, I was approached by two relatively young baby dykes who asked me for a photo. I laughingly agreed and posed with them. Next thing I know, I get a text from my ex, accusing me of all sorts of madness.

Turns out, the girl who asked for my photo was my ex-girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend, who was still hung up on my ex-girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend. She sent the picture to my ex-girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend, who texted the picture to my ex-girlfriend, who then forwarded the picture to me. Catch up, yet?

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. So now, if I so much as know a girl has a mutual friend with my ex, I drop her like a Beyoncé album and move on.


4. The Gold Digger

The only thing worse than a broke butch is a good ol’ fashioned gold digger. Her intentions are to suck as many shots out of you as possible before leaving you high and dry for her boyfriend at home. Open relationship my hoo-ha!

Far too many of us play into her game; flirting for all of two minutes before offering drinks, and rounds of shots for her and her friends. A good rule of thumb is if she looks like she’s out of my league, then she probably is. And I’m okay with that. After all, the only thing better than walking away with a few extra dollars at the end of the night is walking away with my dignity intact.


5. The Drunken Noodle

We’ve all been here before. In the middle of dancing the night away to our favorite 80’s songs, when out of the blue she appears, swaying back and forth like a loose noodle, slurring her words and stuttering nonsense in your face.

I don’t know whether to get this girl a glass of water or a backboard, but regardless, if she’s not coherent enough to tell me her name, she’s certainly not going to make it through the rest of the night or the cab ride home. This is a complete waste of my time, energy, and effort.

So who are you looking for? You’re looking for the girl at the bar, laughing along with her friends. The girl who looks like Miley but keeps her tongue in her mouth until a respectfully appropriate amount of time has passed. It’s true: there are plenty of fish in the sea. The trick is simply knowing when to reel one in and when to throw one back.


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