Did you know that tomorrow is National Girlfriend Day? If you’ve got a girlfriend, get to planning! Whether you want to grab flowers, write a love letter, plan a cute date, or buy a unique gift, you’ve got stuff to do!
If you don’t have a girlfriend and are looking to change that, Tagg is here to help. One of the biggest lesbian stereotypes is that we’re all too nervous to make the first move, so we just stare at each other longingly. This is so common that memes make fun of this stereotype often.
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Yearning is cool for film plots and deep musical lyrics, but it’s stopping way too many of us from finding love. That ends today.
I tagged in my wife, Faith, to help me compile tried and true maneuvers that we’ve either used to pick lovers up or had potential lovers use on us. We’re going to walk you through five methods you can use to make the first move, sharing step-by-step instructions for each one. You can do this!
Get in the mindset
Before you ask anyone out, you’ve got to get into the right frame of mind. You’re awesome and there is someone out there for you—you just have to dig deep enough to find her. Each woman you ask out or date you go on gets you one step closer to the partner you’re looking for.
When you think of it that way, you have nothing to lose by making the first move. You’ll either connect with someone cool, or you’ll have found that someone isn’t right for you, and you can move your focus back to finding someone who is.
How to Make the First Move
- At events or parties
Picture it: you’re about to leave a great queer happy hour but you haven’t gotten the contact info for the cutie you’ve been eyeing all evening. When you’re at the point of the night when you feel like you could go, but if things get interesting, you’re down to stay, whip this trick out. Walk up to the person you’re interested in, gently tap her shoulder, and make eye contact. You’re going to say, “I just wanted you to know that you’re the hottest person in here.” Then walk away. Now the ball’s in her court: Either she’ll follow you and initiate a conversation, giving you a reason to stay a little longer. Or she’ll let you walk away, and you can leave the event and go on to whatever you have planned next.
I had a girl do this to me at a 90s lesbian party, and it was so flattering. I was talking to a friend when I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see a very cute stranger. “You are absolutely beautiful,” she said before walking off. I was stunned and my friend instructed me to immediately follow the girl. I caught up to her and we ended up going on a few dates. Ultimately, we weren’t a match, but her ballsy move is something I remember almost ten years later.
The trick with this move is to make it clear that you’re interested romantically and not simply giving a compliment. The eye contact, gentle touch of the arm, and flirty delivery are key. This is a bold maneuver, so you’ve really got to go for it! - At a house party
This move is all about mastering a party trick. Hear me out: when I was 22, I went to my first work conference and an older gay man offered to help me get a girlfriend. He did this by teaching me the four main lines of my palm and what they meant. Then he had me go around the conference happy hour practicing palm reading on our colleagues. For years after that, I busted that party trick out every time I was in close proximity to someone I wanted to get to know better. It worked like a charm. (Thank you, Brian.)
I would simply approach the woman I was interested in and say, “Hey, I just learned to read palms, can I read yours?” I never had anyone say no, and I would end up talking to and learning a bit about whoever’s palm I read. If we had a lot in common, it was easy to move to exchanging numbers from there. If we didn’t really gel, then I hadn’t lost anything and could move on to the next person.
I like this move because you don’t have to have any props or tools to do it. That makes it easy to use whenever you have an opportunity. If you want to try it, Almanac has a great intro to palm reading. It gives a brief history of the practice then goes into the lines on the hand and what they mean. If you want to dive deeper into palm reading, it also goes into the mounds of the hand and what you can learn from fingers. - While running errands
Sometimes you see someone really attractive while you’re out living your life. This move is for those moments.
Wherever you are, observe what the person you’re interested in is doing, then ask about it. For example, you’re at a bar: lean over and say, “Can I ask what drink you’re having? It looks so good!” At the bookstore or library? You can say, “Oh, you have great taste! I read her other book, and it was really good!” Or “I am thinking about reading that too! Everyone on my TikTok feed is raving about it!”
Once again, this move puts the ball in the other person’s court to move the conversation further. It’s a low-stakes approach that opens the door for more. The key is to always ask an open-ended question, as it makes it easier to build a conversation than asking something that can be answered with a simple yes or no. Obviously, if the woman you approach responds with short answers or doesn’t really engage, let it go. You deserve to find someone who is completely jazzed to chat you up.
Faith unintentionally uses this method to start conversations with strangers almost every time we’re in Costco by commenting on what’s in their cart. We’ll be in line when she sees someone and says, “Oooh that chicken sausage is a great choice! How are you going to use it?” And then she’s off and chatting.
- At the Bar
It’s Friday night, you and your crew of queer babes are out having a great time when you spot someone you want to get to know better. When it’s shot time, by a round plus one. Dole out the shots, giving one to each of your friends, before approaching the person you’re interested in with the extra. “Ohmygod, they gave us an extra! Come take this with us!” It opens the window to talking more, and your friends can help move the conversation along so you can decide if you want to ask this person out.
This maneuver is cool because it works in a lot of places. In the arcade? “Ooops, I accidentally selected two player mode, would you want to join me on this round?” At the zoo? “We got extra giraffe pellets, do you want to feed them with us?” Be creative, you’re just looking for an opportunity to invite more conversation so you can build a connection. - Anytime, Anyplace
This is similar to method one: use compliments. You’re already checking someone out, so take a moment to intentionally notice what about them stands out. Then compliment it. This will be different for everyone. Faith’s arms are covered in tattoos, so people comment on them every time we go out. I can’t count how many times someone has interrupted us to ask, “Excuse me, is that Pennywise on your arm?”
I don’t have a single tattoo, but I do wear funky glasses and people love to ask about where I got them or compliment me. Like the first method we talked about, compliments can come across as friendly, so you have to be careful with your delivery. Remember: eye contact, a gentle touch, or a flirty tone help clarify that you’re interested.
If the person you approach feels the same way, they’ll engage with you. Otherwise, let it go. You won’t need to persuade the right person to talk to you.
I know that some of these can feel daunting. Just know that you don’t have to try them all. Pick the one that feels most natural to you and try it out the next time you spot a potential match. Remember: the more you practice making the first move, the easier it’ll become. You just have to start.