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The Ex-it Interview

Exit Interviews highway sign

When you quit a corporate job, a company will usually conduct an Exit Interview to see how they could have made your time there a better, more enjoyable experience. I had a friend quit a job recently. She was unhappy for a long time. She always complained about the way she was treated, the lack of development and upward mobility, and the constant micro managing. Sometimes you have to let it all out, so I really hoped she would get an exit interview.

My writer’s light bulb immediately brightens up as I thought what if our relationship break-ups had exit interviews? Do you think our egos, tempers, and emotions could handle having a raw conversation about the real issues and why the relationship went south? Could you sit face-to-face, eye-to-eye and be honest outside of the angry shouting matches that occur with a lot of break ups? This would be quite an amazing opportunity for the improvement in your next relationship.

I googled “Exit Interview Questions” and found a list of questions commonly asked in corporate exit interviews. I laughed because every one of them translated to breakups so seamlessly. Let’s explore.

Why are you leaving your job?  I loved this question. Straight and to the point. So many times I wanted to just tell my ex, “Because you are a suffocating, emotionally needy parasite.”

Were you satisfied with your salary?  Ok, I equate salary to sex.
My answer: Um, HELL NO!  I should have known when I saw you eat that ice cream on our first date that you were skill less in the cunilingual department; biting that ice cream and shit. And your rhythm-less moves on the dance floor should have told me to keep moving.  But I thought you had “potential” so I went on a two-year ride of trying to invest in your training to bring you up to speed. Next time I’m going to continue the interview process and vet my next candidate a little better.

Is there anything the new company offers that this company doesn’t provide? I’m going to assume we won’t go all lesbian and relationship hop.  The assumption is that the next “company” will be singleness.  Singleness provides the ability to breathe and sleep with that ex-girlfriend that actually made me scream in pleasure! I’ll also not have to explain your embarrassing jealousy that resulted in temper tantrums about me going out with my friends. I won’t have to listen to your mom say how I turned you gay or the creepy looks I get from your uncle, when he wonders who actually wears the strap on. And dammit, I get all the covers. All of them.

Did you have enough support to do your job effectively?  No, your lazy self thought it would be a good idea to quit your job two weeks after we met which was one week after you moved in with me. I paid all the bills while you were trying to figure yourself out. Somehow, I should have noticed the red flags you threw at my feet three seconds after we met. That whole “you hate your job” conversation we had over shots of tequila. My bad. I should have known better.

Would you work for this company again? Okay, let me make this real clear.  I need to be away from you to mend my broken and tattered heart. I’m sure, at some point, like good lesbians, we will sleep together for old time sake, only to realize it was a mistake and promise to be lifelong friends.  Until then, let’s just have some space. Mmmmkay?  Kay…

Was there anything especially challenging you had to contend with? You really want me to answer this question?  Well, in a nutshell.  Your entire being and soul space.  My recommendation; Therapy, lots and lots of therapy.  The Employee assistance program is not gonna do it here.

Would you recommend this company to others?  Look, there’s someone for everyone and I’m sure you will find your perfect match, but I don’t want any part of that dysfunction. So seriously, please don’t put me down as a reference.  I can only give the dates we were together and with your cheating ass, they may overlap. Go back, like two girlfriends ago, and get a reference, I’m sure they have moved on and will lie for you. You and your ex-girlfriend are probably best friends by now and they want to see you happy.

I know most of us can relate to some degree to at least one of these statements.  But in all humor lies a little truth. My point in all of this is if we could have honest answers to some of the questions that leave us with our hearts in our hands and our jaws on the floor, how much better could we see our own faults, our own mistakes and the role we played in our break ups.  Let’s get real with each other ladies.  Let’s take a close look at our evaluations when we leave these relationships so we can heal and bring a better woman into our next endeavor with love.  How would your exit interview look?


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