One of the most frequent complaints of couples is not having enough time or energy for sexual intimacy. Isn’t it interesting that at the beginning of our relationships we seem to have unlimited stamina for romance and hot sex? But as the romantic stage wanes, it seems like the passion fades as well. This often happens if you’re living together and sharing a home with plenty of distractions. When not being sexual becomes the norm, it can be very difficult to reignite the flame. So before the embers lose their heat, here are some suggestions for getting back on the intimacy track.
You may not want to hear this, but you must schedule time for intimacy. As much as we’d like to be spontaneous, the reality is that with work, kids, pets, homes, friends, families, and so many other responsibilities, we have to make time to be close, sexual, and romantic. Plans might include at least one date night during the week and one on the weekend. You made time for dates at the beginning of your relationship, so you can still do it now! Just as you plan your TV schedule, you can also plan time with the love of your life. It comes down to a choice and essentially it’s about prioritizing.
Whether in the bedroom, at the kitchen table, or at a restaurant, agree on technology-free times. The use of phones, tablets, and social media can lead to major problems in relationships and certainly get in the way of sexual intimacy. So, compromise on their use. Come up with your technology “rules”.
When you are together, touch in ways you would not touch a friend—yes, even with clothes on! Have at least one 15-second passionate kiss each day. Before you go to bed, tell your partner three things that you appreciate about her. If sex is not in the cards because one or both of you are just too tired, be sure to cuddle and touch anyway. When apart, text her loving and romantic messages when she least expects them. Or when you know she’s at a meeting (and won’t be answering her phone), leave her a sexy message on her voicemail.
Often people avoid taking the risk of surprising their partner, especially when it comes to sex. They are simply afraid of being rejected. But always remember that if someone who loves you says no to sex, they are only rejecting that activity, NOT you! So it’s often worth giving it a try anyway. Surprise her in small ways too, like post-its in her car in the morning, or romantic cards in the medicine cabinet.
Mix it up, go outside your comfort zone, and have a great time!
• Meet up at the movies after work, sit in the back row, and get cozy. Go to dinner afterwards and then continue your evening in bed.
• Plan a sexy staycation.
• Buy some new sex toys together! Try something different.
• While in bed, take a sheet of paper, think back to the beginning of your relationship, and complete this sentence: “I felt desired by you when you ______.” Think of as many as you can, and then share your lists.
Dr. Robyn Zeiger is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a private practice in Silver Spring, MD. Her clientele includes both individuals and couples. Stacey Williams-Zeiger is a Real Estate Agent with RE/MAX Excellence Realty in Silver Spring, MD, and is licensed in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia.