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September 3, 2013
Why We Should Care About Intersectionality
September 5, 2013

Loving More, Loving Different, and Loving Your Way

She meets she, a U-Haul ensues, then comes marriage and now, with all the options available, comes a baby in a baby carriage. I love these relationships. They are deep and meaningful and valid and amazing. There is a sense of belonging that shows up with monogamous relationships that is life changing and for most exactly what makes them happy. Singular relationships are an awesome choice for many.

But, what if that weren’t the only relationship model available? What if you could have that same sense of belonging with emotional and physical non-monogamy? What if you could build your family with a web of interconnected relationships that were all relevant, all meaningful, all fulfilling and all complimentary of each other? Polyamorous folks do it all the time. And it does work.

A poly-minded perception of relationships will challenge your traditional views on relationships. Are you okay with one person for the rest of your life? Do you ever have a thought of attraction to anyone else while you are in a monogamous committed relationship only to feel shame for these feelings? Does your religion prohibit it? Does the idea of being in a relationship with more than one person exhaust you? Do you fear you can’t multitask? Do you just favor monogamy or can’t believe that you can love more than one at a time?

Open relationships, polyamory, swinging, dating, and monogamy; are all normal, all doable and all ok for the person who chooses to embrace any one of these.

What does poly look like? I know for me in the times in my life I have walked in poly dynamics with a mate, it required a very deep level of emotional nakedness. It meant being honest with self. It meant building trust and communication with my partner through constant emotional check-ins and discussions about real subjects like jealousy, insecurity and fears. It means working on my stuff on a level that was deeper than normal. It meant loving my partner so much that I always wanted them to experience their walk and connections with others without shame and be able to gain the benefits of that relationship to the fullest. It meant honoring your lover(s) to the core of their being. It meant discussing boundaries and sticking to them. It meant being calculated and a willing participant in the decision of love by NOT believing I DID NOT have any control over whom I fell in love with. It meant being naked; really emotionally naked in front of another person. I did this with my singular relationships as well, but with poly dynamics, there is an extra layer that needs to be pulled off in order to make it successful. The addition of others into your couple-ship will bring up lots of stuff that singular relationships don’t have to deal with.

So for those who may feel like the poly life may work for you, I encourage you to explore. There seems to be a surge of poly couples and folks these days, so there is poly-a-plenty to choose from.

I identify as poly-minded, meaning that I am open to a poly relationship should it come into my life. I have walked in poly and monogamous relationships and have found value in both. As a matter of fact, I am currently in a singular monogamous relationship and am very happy and fulfilled. My advice to my poly sisters is to walk in confidence that you are making the right choice for you. Never allow someone to shame you or question the choices that you have made for your life. And likewise, when you choose to operate in a singular monogamous relationship, don’t let your poly friends shame you either. Do what is right for you, always.

If the poly life works for you then that’s awesome and if it doesn’t work for you, that’s awesome too. #LoveYourWay


Michelle AlexanderMichelle is the founder of She is a Coach, Mentor, Motivator, Public Speaker, Entrepreneur, Lover of People, Emotional Activist, and Life Enthusiast pursuing a life of amazing.